WHO AM I?

I want to be a strong, determined and active woman. Too often I am sad, tired, and consumed with worry about my addict son. Strong determined me plans trips and gets her nails done and paints and writes. Sad, worried me sleeps and drags herself through her days. Somedays I can’t seem to beat the melancholy. I try to fight it, but I don’t win. My mind is slow and distracted and my body is tired and listless.  Occasionally, I surrender, I don’t even fight it, I let myself wallow in sadness and self-pity. Fortunately, this seems to get it out of my system, for a while. and makes me realize I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling this way, so I fight harder the next day. My son’s addiction gives me lots of opportunities to be worried and sad, but I don’t want to let his addiction destroy us both. I wish he could be healthy and sober, but he must want it and currently, he doesn’t – at least not enough to fight for it. So, I wake up every day and fight the sadness and worry and try to live the life I would live if he had not relapsed. I would be pursuing writing and painting and exercising and visiting friends. I would be living a full, active life. So, I make myself stay busy. I don’t always feel like it, but I’ve found that, more often than not, if I plan activities and follow through, a certain amount of happiness follows. I have decided to work on my life as hard as I wish my son would work on his. So, I’m trying to become that strong, determined, active woman. I try to make sure she wins more often that not when she’s confronting the sad, tired, worried lady who fights her every day.

2 thoughts on “WHO AM I?

  1. Len, fellow mom

    I can relate so much to your blog. Thank you for sharing this. My son has been clean almost 3 years.
    Everyday if something goes wrong I worry if this is the day. He has had several bad days thua month. Thd loss of his father a week ago, memorial day to remember his fellow soldiers that did not return. Two of my other son’s deal with this grief as well but didn’t take the road my youngest did. One of my boy’s said today it’s a nightmare that happen everyday. The VA want help etc.
    Thank you so much again for writing

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

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