Tag Archives: relapse

Tough Love Meets Mushy Mom

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At heart, I’m a soft, mushy mom. I like buying gifts, spoiling my grown children and being part of their lives. But out of necessity, I have been practicing tough love with my 32-year-old son for years. He’s a meth addict who started using in his teens and turned our lives upside down for ten years. He eventually spent time in jail and then came out clean and sober and stayed clean for seven years. Unfortunately, he relapsed 10 months ago. Since the relapse, he has lost his job, his home, his possessions, and his marriage. My husband and I have worked hard to detach. We were enmeshed in the drama for years before his stretch of sobriety and we did not want to do it again. So, in an effort to live our lives and not be enmeshed in the drama of his relapse, my husband and I went on a trip to Paris in spite of the fact that our son was homeless, in the winter, in Kansas City. He was refusing rehab and drama was at an all-time high. We were tired of it all and wanted to get away. The trip was wonderful, everything we wanted it to be, even though my son called and begged and complained about his situation frequently. But we could say, we are half a world away, we can’t help you. The trip renewed us and made us happy!  We loved it so much we considered moving to Paris permanently. But a grandbaby coming this summer from our other son made us decide it wasn’t an option. It couldn’t last forever.

So, after ten lovely days, we had to come home. The long 20-hour international trip was punctuated by texts and calls from our son. “I’m hungry, my tire is flat, I’m cold…” he had been stranded in a parking lot for 4 days. He wanted us to rescue him as soon as our plane landed. We refused. We were exhausted, and we knew from experience that it would not be quick or easy. He was angry with us, we were feeling the full brunt of being home and back in the drama of being parents to an addict. Welcome home…

Somehow, the next day before we got up and moving, he got his tire fixed. We had planned to try and help him that day, but patience is not a strong suit for an addict. In the afternoon he showed up at our house. We told him he could shower, and we’d feed him a meal (we had done this several times over the last few months). He looked horrible: emaciated, dirty, hair a mess and he sounded psychotic and crazy. It was heartbreaking. He showered and left in the evening only to show up the next morning sleeping in his car in our driveway. The weather had turned excruciatingly cold and we were very worried about him freezing in his car over the next few days. So, we told him to come in and talk to us about what he was going to do while it was so cold. But as we tried to have a discussion with him, he kept nodding off. He couldn’t stay awake. In exasperation and without really thinking about it, I snapped, “Go downstairs and sleep, you should not be driving like this.” He fell on the bed fully clothed and he slept for 20 hours. When he woke up, he seemed barely coherent and hardly awake. I pumped him full of food and Gatorade and told him to go back to sleep. This went on for 5 days. He literally slept 20 hours a day only waking up to go to the bathroom and eat and drink.

This is where mushy mom comes in. It felt good to know he was safe. It felt good to know he was warm and eating. It was good to know he wasn’t using drugs.  It felt good to watch his face plump up and color return. If felt good to have him talk about how much he missed my cooking, it felt good the first time I saw his old smile. My mushy mom side was happy. While he slept my husband and I saw family and friends, told them about our trip and gave everyone souvenirs, all the while without worrying that my son was freezing to death in a parking lot somewhere. It was such a relief.

So, my husband and I talked. We acknowledged that he’d been polite and respectful when he was awake. He wasn’t using – he hadn’t left the house. I think tough love set the stage for his attitude. He knows we will put him out if uses. If he is violent or uncooperative, he knows we will call the police. We’ve done these things before. I also think the last ten months have burned the rage and anger out of him. I think he’s sad and defeated and scared.

I think our vacation set the stage for us too. We were refreshed and relaxed. We had been removed from it all for long enough to recharge. We had the energy to consider taking on the daunting challenge of helping him get sober. We no longer felt overwhelmed, defeated and angry. We had taken the time we needed for ourselves, and we had something to give again.

So, we decided to give him two weeks to detox and then discuss the next step. He’s beginning to sleep less. I know it’s going to get harder as he’s awake and disrupting my quiet routines. I’m weighing how to offer him a chance to start over with my need to maintain boundaries. I’m working to figure out how to make his recovery his own, when I know, from experience, that he won’t do it the way I think he should. But he has been successful before.

We are certain that his drug use stems from self-medicating mental health problems. I know one requirement for staying here will be agreeing to psychiatric help. He will also have to find a job and begin financial counseling to figure out how to repay his debts and manage money. He must be respectful and keep our house clean and orderly. He’s not a child, I won’t clean up after him. He can’t spend nights out or bring strangers home. These will be non-negotiable. But I will also have to acknowledge that he’s an adult and not the teenager who once lived here. I will have to allow him autonomy and the opportunity to make mistakes.

It will be tough. His work ethic is very different from mine. This will be a sticking point. He will think he’s working hard at something and I will think he’s not working hard enough. He doesn’t like to be alone and I’m sure he’ll end up in a dating situation long before I think he should. But, I know I can’t run his life, but I also know he can’t run mine. I’m not sure exactly sure how we will work it all out. But I know right now, he’s trying and he’s sober. So, we will take it one day at a time. My husband and I will decide together how to proceed. I’ll enjoy each sober day. I’ve seen him smile, we’ve binge-watched movies together, we’ve walked the dogs, I’ve heard him whistle while he works and sing to his dog. He asked if we could make chocolate chip cookies together tomorrow…. I’ll take it.

So, I fell into this by accident when my mushy-soft-mom-side collided with my tough-love-side, but I want to be able to say I gave it a chance. Surprisingly, I’ve felt much more joy than stress while having him home, which is unexpected. He seems to want this to work as much we do, which is good because I will not work harder at his sobriety than he does.

So, here’s to second chances and staying strong while acknowledging my mushy soft side.

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My oldest son fought every rule, despised authority and wanted “to be the boss of me” since he could talk. In his teens, he discovered drugs and then life reached a new level of difficulty. For ten years we fought the devil and lost. He did multiple rehabs, jail time, sober living houses, and multiple trips home to live with us and get sober. He kicked drugs only to discover alcohol and then ended up using meth when alcohol lowered his inhibitions. Eventually, he was sent to prison for a year and a half for a felony.

Then seven years ago, I met a son I never knew. My rebellious, meth addicted, angry son, came out of prison sober, humbled, and thankful. Gone was the argumentative, condescending son I had known for 25 years.  On his own, he had gotten sober in prison and in the process his attitude had changed.  We hesitantly let him back into our lives when he got out of prison and every step of the way he proved himself to be a changed man.

Over the next seven years of sobriety, he got a dog, a car and a girlfriend. He came to work for me in the family printing business and started college and earned excellent grades. He was not interested in taking over the family business, he wanted a degree, and we were content with whatever he chose. We lived in unexpected happiness. My husband and I thought we had lost him forever and now, here he was, pursuing a life we could all be proud of and most surprisingly being someone that we really enjoyed spending time with.  He even repaired his relationship with his younger brother. Our family felt complete again. Both our boys got married three months apart and now we had daughters-in-law too. Both couples bought houses and life was good, I never expected to be this happy. All was well…or so I thought.

In March of last year, exactly one week after I sold my business and retired, my son relapsed in spectacular fashion. He got high and stayed high for days, he became angry, combative and immediately returned to the personality I remembered from the years before. I was completely devastated. My new-found freedom from work just gave me long hours to worry incessantly and I did. I went around and around in my head about how to help him. I wondered what went wrong and I worked to find the right words to bring him back. I sent and answered endless text messages and answered the phone at all hours. But he continued to use as weeks turned into months and my retirement happiness evaporated. So, after the shock wore off, I began working to cope. I found a counselor and an NA meeting, and I pulled out my old, worn copy of Codependent No More. Then I discovered The Addicts Mom Facebook Group. What a difference that made! The first time posting, I cried. It didn’t feel like I was going crazy anymore. So many other people were experiencing the same thing. It really helped as I worked to survive and waited for him to find his way back to sobriety. I felt so alone the first time he used drugs, this time I had a huge community to turn to and I turned to them often as the months stretched on.

It’s now been ten months and my son has not “found his way back”. His wife divorced him, he lost his job, wrecked his car and lost his house. He is currently couch-surfing and using an old truck given to him by a friend. He has lost almost everything.  The first two or three months we tried hard to help him get back on track, but nothing worked. He was once again defiant and determined to be his own boss. So, once we remembered we can’t control him or cure him (thanks NA) we set strong boundaries. He cannot move home. He can’t use our cars. We won’t buy new phones or pay his bills. If he’s rude we quit answering his phone calls and texts. We call the police when he threatens self-harm. We probably enable sometimes, but we do what we can live with. We also consistently point him to local organizations that can help him (although he currently refused to even consider them).

As this drags on I’m going through grief over the loss of my sober son and the future I dared to imagine for him, and I miss him terribly. I have spent months in survival mode. I want to help him, but I don’t think the worry and obsessing are working. So, I have decided to save the one person I can save – ME. I am determined not to be destroyed by his relapse. I have taken all the energy I spent worrying and directed it to help me break my addiction to him. I continue to see my counselor faithfully and a psychologist who helped me get on the appropriate dosage of antidepressants. I read everything I can on detachment and mental health. Most importantly, I have found that focusing on MY LIFE is my best distraction from his life. I am working to make my life healthy, happy and full. I’ve been trying to be healthier – mentally and physically. Yoga, walking, and paddleboarding are my go-to exercises and discovering new recipes, with fresh, healthy ingredients, is fun. I have started planning trips with my husband, which we have found to be a great distraction – the planning as much as the actual trip. I’m currently learning French in preparation for a trip to Paris (my husband has lots and lots of points from business travel. We decided it was time to use them before he loses them). I’ve started some remodeling projects and am working to make my house a retreat from the world. I’ve committed to having lunch with friends regularly and trying to be more available to my other family members. I am seeking out positive people and developing new friendships. I am taking classes, and writing, and volunteering with TAM (The Addict’s Mom). So, instead of needing my son to be sober for me to be happy, I have decided to be happy, busy and productive now. Sometimes it’s hard to push through the sadness, but I realize my sadness doesn’t help anyone, so I am doing my best to live my life to the fullest. I love my son, but I can’t live his life for him, I can only live my own and I’m working to make it something I love. There are a lot of people who depend on me to be a positive part of their lives and it’s unfair to let all of them down. It’s also wrong to let myself down. I will always love and have compassion for my son, but I will let him live his life, and I will live mine.